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I spent a large part of my weekend on research and paperwork, because I had to fill out so many forms for the background check I must pass to continue working for the Treasury.  I’ve done worse; the last  time I did this sort of paperwork, it was for the last fifteen years of my life.  This check only covers seven.

Even so, this paperwork was no easy task.  Now that  it’s done, I stand back to consider the quantified tally of my activities over the last few years, and I understand something with more clarity than ever before.  The last nine years of my life have been a colossal pain in the ass.

Since I left the Army in April 2000, I’ve:

• endured a divorce
• lived in seven places, spanning four states
• been homeless
• earned an associate degree
• earned a bachelor of arts degree
• accrued thousands of dollars in loans
• been unemployed three times
• had thirteen jobs, and once worked five jobs  at one time (seven jobs, if you count the web development and writing I was doing at the time.)
• worked 119 hours in one week
• nearly killed myself with guilt over my friend’s murder
• got over the guilt (for the most part)
• filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy
• endured eight years of National Guard bullshit
• weathered a number of failed personal relationships
• wrote two novels (which still aren’t published)
• won first place in a statewide writing contest
• been published at least six times
• helped cops apprehend a violent suspect
• went from 210 pounds to 295 pounds
• lost and regained 40 pounds three separate times
• been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea
• built and maintained two first-class websites
• enjoyed a numerous intimate encounters, the details of which I shall not share with the public
• chased off the neighborhood peeping  tom
• walked away from two major car accidents and at least four minor accidents
• limped away from a few mountain bike wipeouts
• learned the hard way that I’m too fat and clumsy to snow board
• survived nearly a dozen fights (mostly when I worked as a bouncer)
• survived a combination of flu/pneumonia/torn ribs
• been stabbed in the side with a set of keys
• been arrested and booked for a crime I didn’t commit
• been the only straight, single man at the party
• endured a full scope polygraph
• attended at least two dozen rock concerts/festivals, including numerous Ozzfests
• been stopped for doing 110 MPH in a 55 MPH construction zone  (I was on official business for the state of WV.)
• learned in the harshest possible way  that Internet romances are dangerous
• nearly gone home with a woman who turned out to be a Satanist
• nearly  gone home with a “woman” who turned out to be fifteen
• become a certified college instructor
• had a cop put a pistol to my head – twice
• saved a woman from drowning
• sold or lost almost everything I owned
• reacquired the few possessions that were worth owning

Even though the paperwork was tedious and frustrating, I’m glad I did it.  I’ve been moping around the last few days, worried that I’m slowing down, becoming normal, and falling into a rut.  I don’t feel so bad now that I’ve reviewed the last nine years.  If the next nine years are half as eventful, I’ll have no need to worry about being normal or boring!

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