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Since I learned the words to ask the question, I have wondered why I exist. As a child I imagined I was intended for something great, some awesome destiny. The feeling persisted into adolescence and adulthood, though by the time I was grown I had put it aside with other childish things. But the questions remained: Why am I here? What am I meant to do?

Pain taught me that it is wrong to live for another, to expect them to magically instill happiness and dispel all woes, but the same pain made me believe in the existence of soul mates. I realized that a woman exists out there somewhere who I can love better than anyone else, a woman who will never be whole without me just as I cannot be whole without her, and to find her, to complete us both – well, that would truly be a great and wonderful destiny.

And so that is my answer to the question.

Why do I exist? I exist because you exist.

Since the day I was born, I have carried and protected a piece of your spirit within me, just as you have part of me inside your heart. It must be this way because we both have our moats, walls, and traps to keep the world at bay. The part of me that is in you will open your heart from the inside, just as your spirit in me will allow you to walk through my walls. I have no defenses against you, no protection, but I do not fear you because to hurt me is to hurt yourself.

I have a puncture in my heart that flares with pain like an angry sun. It is a hole without bottom, a gaping maw that can drink oceans and still thirst, devour planets and still hunger. You are the only one who can mend it. You have the missing piece. I know you understand me. I know you have emptiness in you as well. You must, because I have the missing shard right here with me.

You will know me when you find me.

I am the one who holds peace in my hands.

In the darkest night, you are safe in my arms. No shadow will have you while I breathe.

I am the one who knows you are still a child inside, and I love you for it.

I am the one who will accept you, never judge you.

I am the one who will give you wings to fly.

I am the mountain that will protect you when you tire of flying.

I know how to touch you before you even know yourself.

I can give your body everything it craves.

I can cherish everything your body can offer.

I am the scent that lingers in your mind as you wake.

I am the voice you hear as you drift into sleep.

I am the reason you sometimes smile or laugh without knowing why.

I am the bird in the cage of your heart, always singing, never letting you abandon your search for me.

I am the one you see when you stand before the mirror and look into your own eyes.

I am your friend and your lover, your knight and your fool, your angel and your demon, your master and your slave.

I am me.

I am yours.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Author’s Note: I wrote these words in 2005.  At that time I didn’t think they were written for anyone but me.  I wrote them just  to get  the words out of my head where I could see them and deal with them.  Since then, many people have read this and taken what they wanted from them, but the work still belonged only to me, or so I thought.  I now realize that these words were never entirely mine.  They also belong to  the woman I described.  No matter what happens in the months and years to come, these words will always belong to Natasha Anderson. I love you, and I need you, baby, and I thank God that we found each other.

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