Ozzfest 07

I went to Ozzfest yesterday. I had to take a day off without pay to do it, but I guess sometimes sacrifices just have to be made.

Germain (formerly Polaris) Amphitheater is a festering shit hole, but we always make the best of it, despite the conditions.

As unusual, it was hot and crowded. The second-stage bands all looked and sounded pretty much the same, and as usual, it's a look and sound I don't much care for. I love hard rockin' music, but I prefer a style where I can actually understand some of the words the vocalist is "singing," and what's the point of having three guitarists if all three are slashing away so hard and loud you can't hear them individually for the ear shattering roar they make?

That being said, it was cool to see Devil Driver again, even if I did get sun burnt like a baked potato.

See, we usually splurge and get the "party like a rock star" package, which always has good seats for the main stage, grants access to a private bar, restaurant, and bathroom, and also gains admission to a viewing pavilion set up around the sound boards for the second stage, where you can see the crowds and have a great view of the bands. I prefer to be out in the crowd, in the mosh and circle pits, but I can't go due to my "bodyguard" obligations with my girlfriend. So at least it's nice to get into the pavilion where I don't have to endure the sun and fight the crowds.

Except this year the tent wasn't set up around the sound board. It was BEHIND it, and offered no view of anything but the ass cracks of the sound board operators. So we fought the crowd and got burnt to a crisp for as long as we could stand it, and then went to the bar and chilled out until the main stage opened. We didn't even bother watching the last two bands.

The back stage tour was a total joke this year as well. A total bummer.

The main stage bands were Lordi, Static X, Lamb of God, and Ozzy.

Lordi's costumes and pyrotechnics more than made up for his unoriginal eighties-rock/metal rip off "style" of music. It was a feast for the eyes, if not for the ears.

On the opposite side of the spectrum was Static X, who absolutely rocked the house, but their stage presentation was nothing to get excited about. I kept looking at the vocalists and thinking, "This is what Ryan Reynolds would look like if he grew some hair and then stuck his cock in a light socket." This was my first major exposure to their music, and I think they've converted me. I'm a fan of their sound, if not their look.

Lamb of God was…. Well… Are there really words to convey how much I loathe them? It's beyond my mental powers to imagine how they ever crawled their way up from the second stage to the main. It was about an hour of agony, just waiting for them to shut up their incomprehensible screaming so Ozzy could play – an hour of hoping my ears, nose and guts weren't bleeding yet. My sole entertainment for the entire set was to scream "Leg of Lamb!" instead of "Lamb of God!" They should be exiled back to the second stage with the rest of the guttural screamers and thrashers.

Then there was Ozzy…Thank God for Ozzy Osbourne! The man is the father, grand father, god father and everlasting KING of hard rock. He's been setting the standard for nearly 40 years… and still going. He hasn't played the last two Ozzfests due to health problems, but this year he was back in fine style, singing his guts out, cracking us up, making us scream louder, headbang harder, and jump higher than we've done since the last time we saw him. Zakk Wylde (Ozzy's lead guitarist and my own personal Jesus,) stood nary three feet from me for the majority of the set. When they played "War Pigs," "Crazy Train," and "Paranoid," I thought I was going to tear that gate right out of the concrete floor. Seeing and hearing Ozzy and Zakk again made the entire day of cumulating disappointments just crash away in a flurry of headbanging, fist shaking, stomping, jumping, and lung-shredding screaming.

In the aftermath, I can't hear much over the ringing in my ears. The muscles in my neck, shoulders, and upper back have fused into an unyielding slab of sore meat. My eyes still burn and ache from the lights and smoke. My voice is totally gone. My feet feel like they've been smashed with hammers. My skin feels like an overcooked pig rind, and I'm so tired I want to sleep for a year. I'm short a day's pay and spent about $100 in overpriced food and water, so my bank account is making sounds similar to the wretched "music" Leg of Lamb cranked out.

But it was worth it. I'd go again today, if I could.

Thanks go out to my girlfriend, who bought the ticket as an early birthday present and then took over the drive home after I got us clear of city traffic. Thanks, darlin' for a great time and for getting us home safely. (I know you'll never read this, but thanks anyway!)