ShannonThomas.Org

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Man, it’s been a long day.  It started out on a good note.  I lifted weights for the first time in two years.  Then I submitted an article to be printed in a newsletter at work.  I had enough work to keep me busy through the morning.  Well, I had enough work to keep me busy through the afternoon too, but I got tired, and my mind wandered away from what I was doing.  I can’t afford to let my mind wander.  My job has little tolerance for mistakes.

Further distraction came in the form of an emailed rejection notice from a literary agent.  I have a thick skin, but it still upsets and angers me when I get a rejection.  No matter how politely or professionally they word the letter, they all basically say “I don’t think your book will sell well enough to be worth my time.”  They used to make me doubt myself.  Now they just piss me off.  The anger motivates me, but this motivation comes at a price.  Anger is like nitrous for the soul.  It will burn hot, burn fast, and push you harder than you knew you were able, but it’ll burn you out and melt you down if you’re not careful and sparing in its use.

Today I was neither careful nor sparing.  I melted down around 15:30,  limped through the rest of the afternoon,  and drug my ass home.

It looks like I’ll end up putting this book on shelves all by myself, and that’s fine.  It’s my dream, and I’ll do the work.  No one will ever be able to say “You never would have made it if it wasn’t for me.”

No matter how many times I get knocked down, I’ll find the strength to stand back up.  No matter how many obstacles are arranged in my path, I will find a way to overcome.  I’ll do it all by myself, and I’ll enjoy success all the more for having achieved it the hard way.  It might as well go this way. At least then it will fit my nature.  I’ve always been a loner.  I guess that’s one of the reasons I create worlds: I never really felt welcome in this one.

I have a list of chores as long as my leg, but I doubt I’m doing any of them tonight.  I’ve been listening to a song called “Home” by a WV band named Bobaflex.  It’s about the trials of being a rock band on the road.  I’m not in a band, but I can relate to being worn out from chasing a dream and wanting to go home.  He sounds tired, angry, and strung-out when he sings the song.  He has too many things on his mind at once, until he gets to a point where he just doesn’t care about the show or the band or the road or his girlfriend.  He just wants to go home.  Yeah, I can totally dig it.

Tomorrow will be better.

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