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There’s a scream inside me that
Has no sound
Has no end.
I can feel it
But I can’t sing it.
It hurts to keep it inside
But containing it is all that
Keeps me alive.

I’m not broken, but I’m certainly not right.
Spread too thin, I can see through myself.
I’m dying.  I hear each second tick or tock
As it’s chipped or chopped off my life.
I’d beg for help, but I don’t know the words.
Even if I knew what sounds to make
I wouldn’t know how to trust my saviors.
I wouldn’t know how to save my saviors.

They’d want inside my head
But I won’t let them into
A place where dreams go to die.
There’s no way out, and
Faith can’t save them.
Books can’t save them.
Guns can’t save them.
Love can’t save them.
I can’t save them.
Because I’m not tame.
But they won’t see.
I endure a voracious hatred
That they cannot know.

There’s a beast inside me that
Has no fear
Has no bane.
I can starve it
But I can’t kill it.
It hurts to keep it inside
But constraining it is all that
Keeps me  alive.

Plans rearranged due to sabotage.
Some are cancelled. Others, postponed.
I can’t touch you anymore.
Two schedules tossed into triage,
At the mercy of a time-line cyclone.
I can’t smell you anymore.
Who and what is worthy of our facade?
When and where do we remain alone?
I can’t hear you anymore.

Do you remember which path led us this way?
What have we gained? Why have we remained?
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
But today it rained.
You doubt my intent,
The lies we invent.
Our time has been spent.
My mind can’t be changed.

Accused of sins not committed.
Choices made but not condoned
I can’t taste you anymore.
Punished but never convicted.
Faults admitted but never atoned.
I can’t see you anymore.
Guilty only of love unremitted.
Numbers deleted from the telephone.
You aren’t real to me anymore.

Drowning in emotional anesthetic.
Lift your eyes and see us, you unsympathetic shit,
On opposite sides of this empathetic rift -
Slowly spinning away in an apathetic drift.
I bred this dissent.
I will not repent.
I will not relent.
I cannot be stopped.

I saw you
dancing across the room
You were so free.
I knew you were meant for me.
Love at first sight
never felt so right.
When we kissed
I knew I’d been born for this.
Do I deserve a love so pure?
Do I even dare to ask how or why?
There’s one thing that I know for sure.
I’ll love you until the day that I die.

Baby I’ll try
To do no wrong
Let Time grind by
We’ll still stay strong
You’re the one I
Needed so long
So long
So long

It’s so strange.
In time so much can change.
Five years passed
and now I just have to ask,
Where is love?
My eyes turn to skies above,
Looking for hope.
I’ve reached the end of my rope.
Now you say that our love is pure.
We both know it’s so fucking rotten.
Now you say that our love is sure,
But we both know you’ve forgotten.

Your heart concealed
Kills my soul’s song
Our love unreal
Our words all wrong
and now I feel
Alone so long
So long
So long

Stop your lying
There’s so much wrong
I’ve stopped trying
We’re too far gone
Stop your crying
Just say so long
So long
So long

I saw you
dancing across the room
You were so free.
I knew you were meant for me.
Love at first sight
never felt so right.
Wish I knew
baby, what happened to you…?

Why did you put him in my place?
Why did you shut me out of your head?
Why did he get to touch your face?
Why did he get to sleep in your bed?
Now who do you have to hold you tight?
Where will you go when you’re brokenhearted?
Who will protect you when you sleep at night?
You should have finished what you started.

In the evening hours
I took you to see t he rock at the center of my world.
It is solid and desolate there, a wild place
for untamed creatures.
The path was long, a hopeless forest maze.
Your Way was in me, a guide to show you the steps.
I wanted you to see the sun
bleeding on the western horizon.
I wanted you to feel the coarse, hard edges
and to accept the pagan, natural strength of the stone.
I even hoped you could love it.
I only needed you to get there.

In the midnight hours
I took you to the upper fields of the hollow.
It is quiet and dark there, a solitary place
for creatures of the night,
where shadows harbor unknown spectres in the woodline.
Your Peace was through me, a ward to keep the night at bay.
I wanted you to feel the soft brush of the wind
as it tickled the grass and teased your hair.
I wanted you to know the touch of the night
and understand its black embrace.
I even hoped you could become one of us.

I only needed you to be unafraid.

The morning after
you fled from me, running with the sunrise
back to your family.
You left me and made me a liar,
for I had boasted to the land and the night
that I was not alone in the flesh anymore.
How they laughed at me then!
But I was too angry to feel ashamed.
I sat on the rock, waiting for
the sun to die, brooding at my own
sad folly, because I did not
realize I was testing you
until after you failed.

Little ant on a little hill,
moving within a collective will,
living a little life.
Bigger ant on a bigger hill,
working to pay his bills,
missing his beautiful wife.
See the little ant roam
over the grains of sifting sand,
working so hard and never knowing why.
When Big Ant roams, he remembers his home,
his wedding band,
and his beauty’s emerald eyes.

Drove alone on the highway,
going some where, no where, I didn’t know.
CSN sang on the radio,
“…Somebody fine will come along
and make me forget about loving you.”
Felt the hate wrung from my heart.
Felt it bleed out of my eyes and run down my face.
Bought a pistol that day, second hand,
to shoot myself, or maybe her lover first.
It didn’t matter who, but that goddamned ring
seared the flesh on my finger.

Sweating in the dark, tears bleeding out my eyes.
The dreams never fade. Yesterday never dies.
I know what secrets the black night shadow holds.
I know why Lightning flashes and Thunder rolls.
My lips found yours in the dark and were sated.
Your flavor was young and so sweet but tainted
By more loss than one so young should have to feel.
Your pain is the secret scar that makes you real.
Today is too soon for you to say
The words that will let you walk away
Never is too long for you to see.
Never is too long for you to see.

How can it be that you are holding my hand
But are so far from me? I don’t understand
How we can be so close and so far away?
Unspoken words in your eyes make me afraid.
When was the last time you said that you loved me?
! cannot remember, and I do not see
Why we are alone when we both love so much.
I don’t know if I can smile without your touch.
Today is too soon for you to say
The words that will let you walk away
Never is longer than Forever.
Never is longer than Forever.

Needing the phone to ring but I know it won’t.
Roaring that I hate you when I know I don’t.
You wanted to leave. I hurt you so you could,
And I can’t forget you even though I should.
I know one day this aching hell will fade.
Tonight I lie in the empty bed I made.
Hiding my tears under sheets so turned and tossed.
Who said it is better to have loved and lost?
Today was too soon for you to say
The words you said before you walked away.
“Never” was the last moment we shared
Never will you know another like me.

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See that bell over there
swinging gently in the air.
It is polished, silver and gleaming
as it rocks, softly dreaming
of summers past, days done,
and of children come and gone.

Some friends come,
and then they go away,
but by now you should know
me well enough to know
that I am forever; I am here to stay

Old friends are lost as new ones are gained
while witches flying high threaten us all.
Where will they land, and who will they spy–
will it be you or me?
You say you have no faith in God, but yet you believe
in the witches? Then put your faith in me,
and I will save us both.

Nothing I know to do
it seems can help you at all,
and if you fall, the days are few
before I too will fall.

And for a time I hurled
my curses as stones at
God on His mountain.
Having judged Him and found
myself wanting, I sentenced
Him to die, but I could not
slay He who created me.
Instead I banished Him from my
sight forever, and thus, I have
destroyed myself instead.

We are Legion.
We are One.
He used Us.
He united Us.
We took his soul.
We are Legion.
We are One.
He used Us.
He united Us.
We made him whole.

Peace I have finally found.
I have searched so very long.
Never right; I was always wrong.
Now my happiness abounds.
I fear that mine is a short-term lease.
How long can I hope this hope will last?
How long until my future is my past?
I am selfish when I hoard my peace.

The full moon rose mighty and high that night,
bathing the forest path in silver light.
Ashley made her way wearily towards home.
She was ready to end the miles she’d roamed.
She paused as a voice began to speak so clear,
and while she listened, the speaker drew near.
The man who approached was wrinkled and old,
but his eyes were bright, and his voice was bold.
He leaned on a staff, and his back was bent.
He limped towards Ashley, chanting as he went:
“The seeds of madness I will sow.
Between your eyes their roots will grow.
Feel them squirm deep, deep into your brains.
When will the reaper come for his grain?”

The man laughed as he passed and hobbled on.
Ashley did not move until he was gone.
Dawn approached as Ashley entered the field.
The dying night had become strangely still.
She saw a man standing amid the grass;
It was the old man from the wooded path.
When he saw her, a toothless grin split his head.
Changing his chant, he spoke these words instead:
“The ravenous seed grows
as it feeds in your head.
Before the rooster crows,
dear girl, you will be dead.
Twice we’ve met, and I let you pass,
but now you fate is made plain.
The next time we meet will be our last,
for then the reaper shall want his grain.”

Ashley raced headlong through the receding night.
Her entire body shook with fits of fright.
She thought she heard him coming from behind.
The old man’s words teased and taunted her mind.
Just then, her home lay revealed in dawn’ light,
offering sanctuary from her plight.
She needed just a few breathless steps more –
then she crossed the threshold and locked the door.

Ashley slumped, ran her fingers through her hair.
When she looked up, the man was in her chair.
He strained and struggled as he tried to stand.
His staff became a long scythe in his hand.
He stood straight. The kinks faded from his back.
His clothes became ragged, torn robes of black.
From ‘neath a deep hood, two glowing eyes peered.
Unseen lips spoke the last words she would ever hear:
“The seeds of madness have been sown.
They have flourished; now they are grown.
Fear not. I will free you from pain.
I am the Reaper, and I have come for my grain.”

Strike and kill the day
Armor me in the unknown
Smell humanity in the night and be hungered.
Blackheart beat and pulse –

life of darkness blanket
Heavy metal magic bashing
and crashing a primal, lashing urgency
through blood and brain and soul.
Thrashing screaming howl of a god
made man made beast,
I know this song of unholy
strength since my spirit wailed
the melody on the day of my birth
and etched the glyphs into my bones.
Shadows of the earth, shadows of the soul–
I know them all, and I alone can
christen your nameless fear.

I am sorry for being me.
Damaged goods, a curse
disguised as a blessing,
A lie dressed as a truth,
Candy laced with poison.

I am sorry for being me.
The razor in my tongue
slices visitors to ribbons.
It is useless against these
walls I built around myself.

I am sorry for being me.
The mortar is set.
The gates are locked.
The keys are lost.
I do not know a way out.

I am sorry for being me.
The days are nothing but
chalk marks scratched
on the walls of the prison
my skull has become.

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Seven times in seven days I
watched the sun die in glorious, sky-blazing agony.
I witnessed the warmth and
light leech out of my world.
I felt them seep from my soul as well,
and I tasted the shadows that crept
over the ground to kiss my lips and lick my flesh,
touching the darkness in my own heart.

Seven times I alone heralded the birth of the night,
watched the moon cast the world into
twisted black and white parodies of daylight reality
while I inhaled the chill evening wind,
smelled the impending night,
let it fill my veins with ebon nitrous.
Seven times my spirit sang its song
of triumph at the sight of the rotting sun,
a song with no words or music,
only the waking power of my very essence
resonating through my body and mind.

Seven times the Terminator swept
over my mortal flesh, pushed all things of light
forever before it, leaving me to the darkness,
and my song transcended into a roar of rapture,
exploding from my lungs and tearing free of my mouth.
In its sound I knew the predator that
lurked behind my own eyes. I felt
the howl release in my throat, and I knew
I had finally returned to myself;
I had finally come home.