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I’ve always been a big guy, and I realize I can be very intimidating. I rarely use this to my advantage, because I hate bullies. However, I confess that from time to time I do a little trick I like to call “passive assertion,” where I can manipulate a situation or get away with certain actions because I know people will look at me and decide it’s best not to confront or antagonize me, just in case I’m as mean as I look. Please consider the following: Continue reading Passive Assertiveness »» This post is a simple test of the video player with which I’m experimenting. If this goes well, I hope to upload a number of videos in the near future, and then do a video blog at least once a week. If you watch this and experience any problems, please let me know.
Get the Flash Player to see the wordTube Media Player.
If you laugh at the following picture, you are a nerd, and you are going to a special place in hell for nerds. If you get there before I do, please save me a seat, because I am going there too.
Shannon is not a fan or supporter of telemarketers, but he sees every call as a golden opportunity. It’s true: Shannon enjoys a good prank phone call from time to time. Here’s a transcript of one that went rather well. He named “Shannon” when he was born. These days most folks call him “Tommy,” but before there was Tommy, there was… FIVE SPEED. If you’ve ever suffered from this dreaded syndrome, you probably already know what this story is about. This might be a story about Shannon’s vacation to the Greek island of Lesbos, but it probably isn’t. What happens when you combine a boring cave tour with Shannon and a big cup of Mt. Dew? Here are a few ways to entertain yourself the next time you find yourself at Walmart and losing the fight for your sanity. Shannon has personally tested all of these methods at some point in his life, so he can vouch for their therapeutic and medicinal effects. Sometimes, when the moment arrives, you know just what to say. “The End of Innocence” has also been called “The End of Childhood.” Regardless of what you call it, most people find it humorous. This story won first place in the humor category of the 2006 WV Writers’ Competition and will be printed in an upcoming anthology, a “Best of” collection of the contest’s finest winners over the last ten years.
here’s something to think about:
Sleep well, kiddies! If you’re reading this and looking at the pic, and trying to figure out what in hell possessed me to post this… then it’s not for you. SURPRISE! BUTTSEX!
I joined the hospital HAZMAT team last week and had my first day of training on Thursday. We watched some training videos and discussed some business, and then it came time to don our protective suits and SCBA tanks. It wasn’t much different from the MOPP gear and gas mask I had to wear in the army. Once I was entirely suited up, I looked like an astronaut in a blue space walker suit. I barely resisted the nearly overwhelming urge to run frantically into the McDonald’s down the street and scream “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON’T EAT THE MEAT!” I also wanted to tell some one to suck my PPE… It was so hard to behave, but I managed it. I stumbled across this pic today and it made me laugh out loud. I really needed it, and I thought maybe some of you would find it funny as well.
On a more sinister note, am I the only person who thinks that Burger King guy in the commercials is one creepy sumbitch? If I saw that guy in my yard or house, or if I woke up with him in my bed, I don’t know if I’d shoot him dead or just run away sceaming at the top of my lungs. I swear he’s evil!
Continue reading I needed these laughs »»Author’s Note:I’m not sure why this post is the one getting so many hits. It’s just a partial list. View the entire article here: http://shannonthomas.org/when-bored-at-walmart/Today I wanted to relate to you a few terrific ways to entertain yourself the next time you find yourself at Walmart and losing the fight for your sanity. I’ve personally tested all of these methods myself at some point in my life, so I can vouch for their therapeutic and medicinal effects. 5) Summoning Help 6) Assimilated by Walmart 7) Voice of Reason “HEY YOU! THE JERKOFF IN THE MERCEDES! I HOPE YOU LEARNED TO DRIVE AT A DIFFERENT SCHOOL THAN WHERE YOU LEARNED TO PARK THAT OVERPRICED IMPORTED PIECE OF KROUT VOMIT. ANYBODY GOT A CAN OF SPRAY PAINT OR A SET OF KEYS?” “HEY YOU! LAZY ASS! STOP PRETENDING YOUR TIME IS SO FUCKING VALUABLE. IT TAKES AN EXTRA 45 SECONDS OUT OF YOUR SELF-CENTERED DAY TO WALK THAT CART BACK TO WHERE IT BELONGS! EVERYBODY LOOK AT THE LAZY SACK OF SHIT WHO THINKS HE DOESN’T NEED TO RETURN THE CART LIKE THE REST OF US PEONS! LAZY ASS! LAZY ASS!” Continue reading Things to Do When Bored at Wal-mart (Part 3) »» Today I wanted to relate to you a few terrific ways to entertain yourself the next time you find yourself at Walmart and losing the fight for your sanity. I’ve personally tested all of these methods myself at some point in my life, so I can vouch for their therapeutic and medicinal effects. 3) High Speed Chase (Need a partner for this one.) 4) Cloaked Avenger Continue reading Things to Do When Bored at Wal-mart (Part 2) »»
Today I wanted to relate to you a few terrific ways to entertain yourself the next time you find yourself at Walmart and losing the fight for your sanity. I’ve personally tested all of these methods myself at some point in my life, so I can vouch for their therapeutic and medicinal effects. 1) Walking the Dog 2) The Vaseline Cult Continue reading Things to Do When Bored at Wal-mart (Part 1) »» |
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